Jokes, Humour & Funny Stuff!! You will laugh a lot!!

[Ultima Weapon]

Backstreet Parrot





http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09...this-dance.html



A parrot dancing to the tune of backstreet boys.




Microsoft Takes Over Mozilla Firefox

Microsoft the largest computer software company announces that they have bought the open-source Mozilla Firefox Project.
The new title for "Mozilla Firefox" will become "Microsoft Firefox 2007".
The name change will take place sometime in January 2007.

For more info Microsoft Firefox Home Page



http://www.msfirefox.com/microsoft-firefox/index.html

Добавлено через 6 часов 16 минут

[Ultima Weapon]

DONT CHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS JUST LIKE THIS. DONT CHA???








DONT CHA??

[Ultima Weapon]

Totally Funny Jokes!!!!

Never try to oversmart a clever women...


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting."

"could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?
we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Also, Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're inside your fishing box....."





WAITING FOR AUTUMN
A husband and wife visit an art gallery together.They stop in front of an oil painting of a naked woman with only a few leaves covering her private parts.The husband is gazing at the painting with the utmost concentration.he stands there for a long time and is not making any move to leave.Finally losing her patience,his wife shouts: "Are you going to stand here until autumn and wait for the leaves to fall down?"

EX-HUSBANDS
husband #1: "whenever my wife talks about her ex-husband i get so jealous."
husband #2: "thats nothing.You should hear my wife talking about her future husband!"

MUCH YELLING
A woman asks her neighbor: Why was your husband yelling at you angrily yesterday?"
"he was angry that i did not tell him how i spent jis money."
"why did he yell you again today?"
"because i finally told him how i spent his money!"

TELEPHONE CALL
A tired husband arrives home and tells his wife:
"When somebody calls just tell them im not home."
Soon the telephone rings and his wife picks up the phone:
"Yes,my husband is at home."
The husband is not pleased.Didn`t I tell you that ----"
"Take ot easy darling," his wife says."This phone call is not for you."

JUST TESTING
A beautiful young girl is sitting in a bar. a young man comes up to her and asks, referring to the seat next to her, " is there anyone sitting here?"
she answers loudly: " what? you want us to go to the gold bar hotel?"
" No! No! i just wanted to know if anybody was sitting here."
the girl continued michievously, " so your saying you want to go there tonight?"
seeing the useless of trying to strike up conversation with the girl,the terribly embarrased young man finds another table to sit in.the other costumers are still looking at him disdainfully.
Later the young girl comes to his table and buys him a drink.she tells him teasingly.
"i am sorry.i just wanted to see how you would react to an unexpected situation."
The young man replies, "What? you think youre worth $200?"

The Hairspray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."


OH GOD, Please ! Make me women......................



A man was sick and tired of goingto work every day while his wife stayed home.


He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

" Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man'swish.


The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.


He arose, cooked breakfast forhis mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home andpicked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.


He cleaned the cat's litter box andbathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.


At 4:30 he began peelingpotatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.


After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted


And, though his daily chores weren'tfinished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord,

I don't know what I was thinking. Iwas so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."


The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned

Your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.


You'll just have to wait nine months,though. You got pregnant last night."


WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Damnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking.


$10 for a brand new Corvette Z06


A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there
must be a few thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: first - you have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an
orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a liter of pepper tequila, and then
do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and
finally, he slurs, "Where zat tequila?"

He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people
inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull growling, barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping
and then... silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his
body.

"Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Sjoeii]

You're a man of very large posts Ultima

[Ultima Weapon]

BILL GATES AND GENERAL MOTORS?


A GOOD QUESTIONS. . .

At a expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon"

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release statement; cars made by Microsoft would have the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, be twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in, until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.

Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[Muffler]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLn45-7Pn2Y

the funniest video i have ever seen...


Big-Maaaaaaaaac...

[Sjoeii]

very funny indeed

[ScratchyClaws]

two of my fav misheard lyrics videos -
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ho_H1ydjIy8 - Numa Numa Dance
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oznWri471LQ - I'm blue

[Ultima Weapon]

ONE HOT WEEKEND
A young guy from Long Island moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yes sir, I was a salesman back in Long Island."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but the kid got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook."
"Then I sold him a medium fish hook."
"Then I sold him a larger fish hook."
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod."

"Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so
I told him he was going to need a boat so we wentdown to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."

" Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a new4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you ended up selling him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No sir!! The guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing."



FUUNY QUOTES FROM GREAT MINDS

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and
I can't remember the other two... "
Sir Norman Wisdom


" One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. "
Edgar Watson Howe


" A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! "
Doug Larson


" A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! "
Eric Bolton



"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. "
Erno Philips


" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. "
Robert Paul


" We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them
to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller



"Laughter is the closest distance between two people. "
Victor Borge



" Start every day with a smile and get it over with. "
W.C. Fields



" Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. "
Will Rogers



" Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
Mickey Rooney



" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not
have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. "
Tim Allen




" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen



" Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. "
Erica Jong



" Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. "
Elbert Hubbard



" Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
Wendell Johnson



" In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. "
Joey Adams



" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henry Youngman


" Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? "
Benny Hill

Добавлено через 5 минут


TOP 10 reasons for being PINOY (PINOY is what we call ourselves in the philippines,) Ex. In Russia, you call yourselves Russians)

1. You eat rice at least 3x a day.

2. You are used to arrive late in a gathering.

3. You sing the national anthem in almost every occasion and without one.

4. Secret is something you should share with anybody.

5. You like Chicken Joy & McBurger without any shame.

6. Wedding is a “must” or else…

7. You are aware what happened to your neighbour the other day and the rest of the month.

8. You can perform to play an actor and politician at the same time.

9. Sex films should be watched with parental guidance. Do invite your aunt as well.

10. You prefer Toblerons made from Germany over the ones made from Manila.

11. Your fridge shows what you did eat during the last 2 weeks.


Добавлено через 5 минут

Things You Do Not Want To Hear In A Surgery


- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

- You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

[drongo]

http://www.linuxgeneration.org/pics/hiiammac.jpg

[Ultima Weapon]

More wise guy sayings

Patience is a virtue of mankind.

Never ask how laws & sausages are made.

A mile walked with a friend only contains 100 steps.

Do you know the difference between hubris & contrite?

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.

If you want sympathy you will find it in the dictionary between shit & syphilis.

[Ultima Weapon]

More Crazy Jokes!!!

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends". Grin
=================================================

Small Boy wrote to Father Christmas," send me a brother"
Father Christmas wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" Grin
=================================================

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress Grin
=================================================

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information , Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!" Cheesy
=================================================

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and
Panic is when both are pregnant. Cheesy
=================================================

Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?
Kid: Yes, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got
heart attack & our driver ran away. Shocked
=================================================

Some women asked a man who was travelling with six children, are all these kids yours??
Man replies; No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints. banana
=================================================

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: What does yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Let's find yours!! toast
=================================================

A Son asks the difference between confidence and confidential.
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's
confidential! Tongue
=================================================

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should
talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom! Tell me, what you want to know.
Mother Faints... breakdance

Добавлено через 45 секунд

Crazy Local Jokes From The Philippines

A Smart Ass Filipino

A Filipino walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines for a
business trip In two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank needs some form of security for
the loan, so the Filipino handed over the keys of a new Ferrari. The car
was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino then gave him
the title of the car and checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The banks president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Pinoy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the banks
underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, that amounted to $15.41.

The amused loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to do business
with you, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzled us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" ]



YOU KNOW YOURE FROM THE PHILIPPINES IF
1)"You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon."
2)You live with your parents until and at times even after youre married.
3)You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper."
4)You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets.
5)You keep a fly swatter in your kitchen.
6)Your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth
7)You recycle shopping bags as garbage bags.
You have a piano that no one plays.
9)You keep a tabo in your bathroom.
10) You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellant.
11)You think a meal is not a meal without rice.
12)you use walis tambo and walis ting-ting
13)you put up your knee while eating
14)you eat rice and mealusing your hand
15)you are a inquirer & gossiper
16)you say gambler , playboy
17)you say Comfort Room instead of Restroom.
1 you say For Take Out instead of to go.
19)you say open or close the lights
20)you say Colgate instead of toothpaste
21)you say "Canteen" instead of cafeteria,
22)you eat under-developed duck eggs.
23)you call it a "ballpen" , not a "pen"
24)you pronounce the word ALREADY as OLREYDI.
25)you refer to to your refrigerator as "pridyider" or ?rep?
26)your grandma smiles and her teeth are all red
27)you say "pliers" when you meant "fliers"
2 you say "bitch" when you meant "beach"
29)you didnt hear or understand something and your first expression is "HA?"
30)you say "what " this and "what" that in a mix of filipino & english
31)you say things sorta backwards like towel paper instead of paper towel and stickbread instead of breadsticks.~
32)you say "aray" instead of "ouch ".
33) you have toyo circles on your table cloths
34)You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals.

[ScratchyClaws]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo - Mean Kitty song

[XP user]

Funny and sad at the same time:
http://outside.arc.ab.ca/staff/erkamp/security.jpg

Paul

[Sjoeii]

Funny and sad at the same time:
http://outside.arc.ab.ca/staff/erkamp/security.jpg

Paul

Indeed
But this is reality I'm affraid

[Ultima Weapon]

A Totally Rusty Computer!!! Check IT OUT!!!!







If your computer looks like the one above please do NOT post to this forum asking for help. Please make sure you can at least see your motherboard before posting questions regarding your PC issues.
Thank You,

[Sjoeii]

is it yours?

[Orange]

McDonald's. I'm loving it!!!

[Ultima Weapon]

How stupid can cops be?


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called for support and a Senior Officer. Police quickly surrounded the car, and a Captain approached the driver to interrogate him.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, Captain. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

[Simple10]

A Totally Rusty Computer!!! Check IT OUT!!!!

If your computer looks like the one above please do NOT post to this forum asking for help. Please make sure you can at least see your motherboard before posting questions regarding your PC issues.
Thank You,

Are you sure it is not a 4X4 offroad computer that has just been havin some fun.